Adapted from a presentation by Upper Elementary teacher Regina Sokolowski
See Part I for a discussion of the social goals and unique abilities and characteristics of the elementary child.

How Adults Support Social Development

So what can we do as adults? We need to recognize that the elementary child's essential work and focus is navigating their social world—it is so new and exciting! It will be what they will talk about and process the most at home. Their academic work is now routine to them. Also, these social situations occur within their academic work time because their academic work is collaborative work.

When we respond to emotional outbursts or frustrations, we need to maintain a level of calm, and we need to exude confidence in their abilities to figure things out—because they can! When we hear stories from the children about their peers or about struggles they have, remember that they are still refining those skills. They are testing things out, experimenting, and looking to us for guidance.

Because of their incredible intellectual capabilities, it is easy to assume that it translates to their emotional and social capabilities. We sometimes expect them to behave as an adult would in those social situations. They are children. They are not adults. I have heard many parents in the larger Montessori community say things like, “We treat our children like adults in this house.” While I understand how honoring their independence and capability can lead to this mindset, it is critical that we remind ourselves that they are still children. They need grace, patience, and leadership as they navigate this whole new realm.

When we respond to their challenges there are two extremes that we want to avoid:

●     Overindulging actually makes them feel like a situation is much more alarming than it really is. By being overly involved we actually communicate to them “You are not able to figure this out on your own.

●     On the other hand, we don’t want to be dismissive because then they feel like we don’t care and that they are not important.

Conversations at Home

When your child shares an event that happened at school with you, it is helpful to first respond warmly but neutrally: “Interesting” or “Wow” or even “Oh?” It can be tempting to insert our own adult judgments and experiences on the situation, but it usually isn’t necessary or even useful for their own development. Children are often simply looking to be heard, and when we react with bigger emotions than they have, we undermine their experience.

Keep in mind that your child is—quite naturally—only sharing their side of the story! This is not a decision to deliberately obscure the truth. They are still cultivating their ability to deeply understand other people’s sides of the story. They may tell you that a friend said something unkind and, unintentionally, leave out the fact that they took the friend’s pencil without asking right before. When parents allow ourselves to attach too firmly to our child’s narrative, we take away their ability to integrate other people’s points of view.

When a child comes to me, I frequently ask: “Are you telling me to inform me, because you need my advice, or because you need me to get involved?” Most of the time, it’s just to inform me. Escalating the conversation with my own emotions, advice, or involvement will only reduce their hard-earned sense of autonomy. It is our role as adults to continue to bolster their confidence that they are capable of learning about social interactions. We never should abandon them, but we can be sure to remove ourselves from the center of their emotional and social experiences.

There will be times when simply telling you is all that they need to do. If it seems as though the conversation needs to continue, remember that what you say and do matters even though they might pretend like they don’t care, or it may seem like they are not even listening! Instead of beginning by directly telling them what to do, or telling them what you are going to do, try sharing how you had similar struggles at their age and how you overcame them (you can also share a story about a family member or someone you know went through this). This story-telling helps your child see you as human and helps them realize that someone they admire endured—and survived—the same challenges they are experiencing.

Once your child has finished sharing with you, remember how high their emotional resilience is at this age. Do not “interview for pain” afterwards! If they have moved on, let them move on. It is unlikely that they will need a follow-up conversation initiated by you. If you continue to show them with your words and actions that you are there for them when they need you, and that they can come to you without fear of judgment or escalation, then they will tell you if the problem persists.

How is Social Development Supported in the Montessori Elementary Classroom

Sometimes people ask, “Do you have an empathy curriculum?”

There is no separate specific empathy curriculum because supporting social-emotional development is interwoven into how we do everything in this classroom: We honor and convey respect to the child in every interaction.

By design, this environment is a social laboratory—they build their tool kit through organic interaction. We expect and desire social challenges and allow the students to work through social conflicts with empathy and kindness. We want them to work through these social experiences here, where the stakes are low, in order to learn the skills for when the stakes are high.

I am constantly in awe of elementary children’s ability to be direct yet compassionate. If there is an issue, they typically address it head on, rather than stewing or talking behind peoples’ backs.

Occasionally, we will carve out 5–10 minutes for a mediated conversation between children, but by simply allowing them the space and providing the coaching to handle their problems directly, most issues get resolved very quickly. Sometimes, because they already have the framework, they even conduct these mediated conversations among themselves.

What is the format of this?

●     Each side explains their perspective without interruption

●     Then they repeat back what they heard (sometimes with the teacher’s coaching)

●     Each side shares what they need moving forward

●     The other party expresses if they can agree to that, or if the request needs to be modified

Most importantly, we keep guiding the children back to their work! At this age it is their academic work that provides them with experience of collaboration, learning about others’ strengths and gifts, practice expressing themselves and their needs, and the process of teaching others.

When to Contact Your Child's Teacher

While many social conflicts and complaints are a normal part of development, there are times when it is important to connect with your child’s teacher for additional support and insight. One such example may be if you find your child is coming home with the same complaint over and over (sharing that another child has been mean to them or teasing them, for instance). In this case, there may be a true underlying issue that the teacher needs to address in the classroom, or perhaps your child may need help understanding their interpretation of the situation. Sometimes students don’t have the language or emotional nuance to understand the difference between “mean” and “direct.” Or perhaps they do not have a perspective on their role in the situation. In these kinds of conflicts, a conversation with a teacher can serve to bring awareness to what is happening and how children are interpreting the events in the classroom. The teacher can also give you language to help your child process the experience at home so that it results in social growth.

It is also important to contact the teacher if your child is coming home talking about issues of race, sex, religion, or other issues of a sensitive and personal nature. This is an age when children begin to grow in their awareness of these topics, and they may come up between students in the classroom. When the teacher knows that these conversations are happening at school, they are able to maintain respectful boundaries and discussion, protecting children who are uncomfortable and redirecting children who may need guidance. Similarly, if the teacher hears that these conversations are happening at school, they will contact the parents to make sure that they are a part of the discussion with their child. These topics are highly individualized for every family, and your child’s teacher will respect your family’s values.

Finally, it is also helpful for your child’s teacher to be aware of significant life changes at home. This may be an extended out-of-town trip for one parent, a trip to the emergency room, a move, or the death of a family member or pet. Children are sensitive by their very nature, and these kinds of events will affect their social behavior and experiences. When the teacher is aware of changes at home, they are better able to support and understand behavior at school.

Final Thoughts

Your children are capable, confident, and resilient. They are in a sacred stage of childhood where they are gathering skills for the relationships and social experiences they will have for the rest of their lives. It is important to remember that having social challenges is a natural part of this age. In fact, it is essential for their development! They need to interact, experiment, and get natural feedback from their peers. It is tempting to intervene, but this is a safe and loving environment for them to explore and learn.

They need to learn that when they steal someone’s pencil that person might say something unkind. They need to learn that if they pester a friend that friend may choose not to work with them. They need to learn how to interact with peers who are very direct with language, who are competitive, and who don’t always do their share of the clean-up. They need to learn this now in a place where there are observant adults who will support their emotional development as well as their independence.

Our world is not getting any simpler. With social media, the internet, and ease of international travel, relationships are increasing exponentially. They are increasing in number as well as exposure. We interact with friends in person, on the phone, over text, over email, and over various forms of social media. Given the realities of our new adult world, it is more important than ever that our children develop sensitivity and nuance in their social interactions. They need to know how to work with a myriad of different people, and they need to understand changes in emotional temperature and shifts in perspectives for the people around them.

The Montessori approach lays a deep foundation for a positive and productive social life. It provides an organic, concrete framework for exploration and growth. It helps children come to know themselves and their peers with wisdom far beyond their years. These children, who will someday be adults, are the people we need to tend to our future and to the beautiful, complicated nature of humanity.