See Part I for a discussion of the First Plane of Development.

The Second Plane of Development: 6-12 Years

The First Three Years of the Second Plane: 6-9 years

After the age of six, your child undergoes many changes as they enter the Second Plane of Development. Among other qualities, they will become more social, more imaginative, and more independent. Learning when to follow them—and when not to—involves understanding their new capacities and what they need from us in order to learn to trust themselves in the bigger world that they are gaining awareness of.

As children leave the more literal perspective of the Primary, they begin exploring new territory with their peers and their imagination. They are spending time in the gray area and checking back in with their parents and teachers, asking, “Is this okay?” It is important that the adults in their lives have an answer to these questions, and can establish a sense of morality—a sense of right and wrong—for their children. In this realm, we cannot follow our children in much of what they are exploring, because we need to be the leaders. They need to first know the morality of our culture and society before they can trust all of their own desires, and we can provide them insight into this.

Our Lower Elementary (ages 6–9) teacher shares that she views her class as a team, and herself as the team captain. The students’ social natures make them acutely aware of their peers as a group, and they are looking for a social structure within that group. She uses the word “leader” many times as she describes her role in the classroom. “They want leadership,” she says. “They crave it. It is my job to establish our class as a team and help them see that they can trust me, and that we are in this together.”

She observes that in our society parents are struggling with confidence. “There is so much more information! There are one thousand answers for every question you ask. This proliferation of information makes it harder to be confident in your leadership as a parent, and this tends to come out in difficulty setting boundaries. The parents’ anxiety is then passed along to the child.”

She goes on: “It is okay to be decisive. It is good for your children. You can be a leader and make decisions with confidence. Jim Fay [author of Love and Logic] says, Even if you’re wrong you’re right. Children are looking for parents to be clear. As soon as you realize you are wrong, you absolutely should circle back and apologize. But your confidence shows them that you are in charge, they are safe, and also that it is okay to make mistakes, repair, and move on.”

We can follow the interests of our Lower Elementary child, but we ultimately need to protect them from themselves. We know so many things that they don’t know about human nature, social structures, physical capacity, and much more. We have decades of experience in the world, and over this time, we have developed values that we hold dear. We can make decisions for our children and for our families that are based on these values. This gives them security. They may share their opinions—having a voice is important!—but giving them too much buy-in just makes them anxious.

Once your child respects the leadership of the adults in their lives, you are able to follow them in their interests and capacities. Now, with increased intellectual ability, their interests go beyond what they see in front of them. While a Primary child’s interests primarily lie in the world directly around them, your Elementary child will dream of things they cannot see or even touch. The scope of their imagination allows them to fully develop their curiosity about concepts like architecture, engines, life at the bottom of the sea, and even the outer stretches of the known universe. Following the child now means supporting them in their exploration. Help them learn how to find books on these topics and encourage their curiosity. Their only limit is their imagination.

Additionally, as you follow their drive towards independence, provide the support necessary for this. The journey towards independence in any area is a process. Observe what they are working on and working towards, observe what their obstacles are—Are they physical? Intellectual? Emotional? And then help build the scaffolding necessary to allow them to progress. Our Lower Elementary teacher says, “Inspect what you expect.” Show them what to do step by step at first, and then allow them to take over the process while you oversee. Once they are successful, you can step back, but be sure to check in regularly to make sure they are still doing the work to satisfaction—contributions around the home, self-care, making their lunch, and all the areas where they are working towards functional independence.

Finally, follow them as you observe what they really need. A child who is roaming around the classroom, touching everything may look like they want more physical freedom, but they often need purposeful work, help with something that is too hard, or an activity that they can reasonably control. The Lower Elementary teacher reminds us to look beyond what is presented: “It often looks like they are asking for permission, but they are really looking for security.”

By first establishing limits that will give your child an understanding of the values of your family and the ethics and morality of their society, you give them confidence in their inclinations and interest, because they will learn to trust themselves. Once you know that this is in place, you can support them in their exploration of their universe, and in giving them the structure and freedom that they need to thrive.

The Second Three Years of the Second Plane: 9–12 years

The Upper Elementary child’s personality and interests are much the same as the Lower Elementary, except now they are further developed and broader reaching. They are capable of great independence and academic achievement. They are keenly interested in their peers and the morality of the community around them. They are competent and trustworthy. In fact, they are often so competent and trustworthy that it can be tempting to attribute more maturity to them than they actually possess. At this age, the most common pitfall that parents make when they attempt to follow the child is that they forget that they are children.

Our Upper Elementary teacher shares, “The biggest point I emphasize with parents is that the mismatch between their children’s intellectual capability and their social capability is so big. When parents see how intellectually capable they are, they translate that into their social and emotional ability.” While it is important to respect the older elementary child’s social perspective and experience, it is also important to recognize that they are not adults and should not be treated as such. She emphasizes, “Even though these children are incredibly impressive, parents have to remember that they are still children.”

The main issue for parents at this stage is that they begin to allow children to make decisions that should be reserved for adults. Just as with younger children, it is good for them to have a voice and feel comfortable respectfully expressing their opinion. But too much buy-in translates to anxiety and insecurity. It is not truly “following the child” to allow them to dictate where they go to school, if the family should move, or how many extracurricular activities they should participate in. Giving children too much power at any age makes them feel powerless.

Children can absolutely participate in conversations, share their opinions, and choose between options that their parents have pre-selected based on their values, capacity, and resources. Understanding how these decisions are made gives them practice for making their own good decisions as they grow. Using their voice makes them feel respected. But, despite your child’s maturity and self-assuredness, they still lack the decades of experience you have in the world. They lack the thoughtful development of values and wisdom that you have cultivated in your life. They lack the ability to understand how today’s decisions will impact their lives years down the road. You understand the world to a greater degree, and you understand your child better than they understand themselves at this point. You can have confidence in your assessment of their needs and how that fits into their community and family, and you can consider their point of view, while also making decisions that are in their best interest, even if they conflict with what they explicitly desire at any given moment.

When your child feels secure in a world where you are the adult and you are in charge, they can relax, and be a child. Just as with Lower Elementary children, following the child at this age means observing their interests and supporting their intellectual passions. Their imaginations and intellect are as strong as they have ever been. They will become enthusiastic about many aspects of the world, both academically and creatively. They may want to learn more about black holes, climbing Mount Everest, coins in Ancient Greece, creating large crochet blankets, or 3-D printing useful items to use around the house. These are excellent productive activities for them.

Following the child also means closely observing their needs. This does not necessarily mean what they say they need. It means observing when they are thriving and when they are struggling—and when they are struggling, taking the time to determine why. Do they feel secure? Do they have too much independence? Not enough? Are they overtired? Overscheduled? Do they need more support? Do they need higher expectations? By observing them carefully, you can follow their true nature—the child Dr. Montessori referred to when she said to follow the child.

Part 3 of "Follow the Child" coming soon!